USA

I feel like blogging again. This time it's different because I'm in America!

The perks of growing up.

Assalamualaikum and hey guys.
Lama tak jenguk blog ni, so I decided to visit this dusty blog and update on my current life this time around.
So guys, to sum up the whole seven months that I have been through this 2013, apa yang aku boleh katakan adalah bahawa, ini adalah antara tahun yang paling mencabar dan penuh tekanan dalam hidup aku.

Sepanjang 2013, banyak incident yang berlaku terhadap aku, duka suka dan penuh dengan cerita. Ceh
I really wish I could type everything out, but sorry lah, aku tak reti mengarang. Tapi this time, memang terdetik hati aku nak tulis, just to share with you guys, how badly 2013 has been treating me :(
I made a list of incidents that I think should be highlighted.

1. Study pattern in January semester
2. Meeting new great friends
3. Getting my mum's car, permenantly.

Terus terang aku cakap, 2012/13 adalah tahun aku yang penuh dengan struggle, finding my true self, who the hell should I be in future and stuff, kenal kelemahan diri sendiri, sebagai seorang grow-up.

1.

So guys, sebenarnya aku bangga lah juga dengan prestasi study aku di INTI Nilai untuk semester ni, kalau nak dibandingkan dengan sem sem lepas. Pada dua tiga bulan pertama, susah jugak nak paksa diri belajar hari hari, and that moments juga lah membuat kan aku rasa bahawa aku dah wasted one whole year of 2012 dengan tak belajar. Stay up, buat tutorials and stuffs, mula merasakan diri aku ada perubahan, aku buat slow slow, walaupun kadang kadang test markah biasa je, tapi at least aku bangga aku ada effort, confidence level sangat lain. I had the best music class ever, eventhough I only got A- for the subject, aku rasa the time spent was really worthwhile. Truth be told, aku really struggle for this sem, tapi yang part sedihnya, ada certain people macam mock aku lah, cakap aku ni macam main main, terkilan jugak, tapi after all, aku sorang je yang tahu apa aku actually buat kan. Takpe, at least I could be proud of myself.
2.

Sepanjang tahun ni, Allah tu sangat lah Maha Besar, He granted me so many good friends, bukan nak cakap kawan sebelum ni tak bagus tapi, the bonding with them ni macam sangat rapat, it's like you don't have any boundaries of anything you want to talk about and they have their shoulders for me to cry on. Sem January ni, aku duduk dalam bilik lain, which was nearer to Academic Block, and I got a new roommate. K nama nya. Sangat baik, very supportive and membuatkan aku rasa sangat selesa lah jugak nak duduk sebilik, kalau nak memekak ke membebel ke dia pun tak kisah. Haha. I meet Aizzat, Imin, Barbs, Aishah, Aniff, Hariz and banyak lah juga. Gelak tak ingat dunia, pergi tengok movie, pergi concert, trips to everywhere and banyak benda berlaku. Most of them were there lah juga masa thick and thin, masa kereta accident, masa results teruk, masa tengah down, semua benda boleh bagitahu. Tapi unfortunately, ramai yang nak fly dah tahun ni so agak sedih lah juga. Tapi takpe, sepanjang aku mengalamai pelbagai cabaran ni, banyak benda aku belajar, and about friendship, one thing I can sum up is friedship is really important tapi at the same time, what shows you strong is when you can stand on your own when nobody's around, a nice quote from my dearest ex roommate, Hafid.
3.

So the important event in this year would be, having my ow car to drive around. Aku dapat lesen tahun lepas tapi mak aku baru kasi green light kasi bawa pergi INTI this year, actually memang tak nak bawa tapi some of my friends encouraged me so I did bring it after all. Sumpah benci driving, tapi memandangkan ianya sangat lah necessary so aku pun bawak lah. Kereta tu sangat lah banyak masalah, bukan nak complain but sebab kereta lama kan, so banyak lah benda yang aku kena jaga. Haih first time bawak pun dah langgar dah. But now, kereta tu tengah dalam workshop sebab haritu accident. Haih so sad to talk about this but serious nak share pengalaman ni dengan korang, kalau korang baca lah kan. Haha

So masa tu tengah cuti sem and bulan puasa, so aku pun plan la nak buka puasa dengan kawan kawan maktab di Subang Parade. Sumpah excited masa tu. So when I was on the way, aku tak ingat jalan, so aku masuk lah satu simpang yang lain and sesat. Serious dengan jam nya lagi, very tiring. So masa tu Eka kawan aku tu Whatsapp lah aku masa tengah driving and and baca and BOOOOM!. Seriuos masa tu sangat lah panik sampai tetiba blank. Dengan spek terpelanting handphone entah kemana, dahlah aku sorang masa tu. So aku keluar dari kereta and tengok kereta depan. Aku sangat panik aku cakap sorry sorry and Abang tu (he's a Pakistani tho) macam tengah marah, aku cuba tenangkan dia, tapi dia tetiba mengamuk suruh aku buka pintu, tengok tengok stuck and ayah dia dekat belakang INJURED. Sumpah kalut masa tu. Nasib baik lah ada kereta tepi tu sanggup nak tumpangkan ayah dia ke hospital which was just across the road (luckily).

Ada tiga kereta terlibat kereta depan (Wish) kereta tengah (Viva) and kereta aku. So masa tu makcik yang bawa WIsh tu mengangis dengan anak dia depan aku sumpah aku tak tahu nak cakap apa. Serabut tahap anjing. Overybody kept pushing me and blaming me. Stress, called my mum tapi tak angkat. Call ayah aku dia macam rilex je suruh aku buat report. Mana lah aku tahu masa tu. Haih, lepas call mak aku tu terus dia rush sampai sana, meanwhile, memang banyak orang tengah untuk truck tarik kereta tenagh tunggu. Aku jadi serabut gila, dengan nak deal dgn insurance mak aku lagi and all. It was 645pm masa tu, memang jam lah lagi lagi dekat Sunway haih dengan tak buka puasa nya lagi, dengan janji dgn kawan entah kemana. So aku pun tumpang lah makcik depan (Wish)tu pergi balai polis, sebab kereta aku dgn kereta Viva tu memang dah tak boleh jalan dah. Buka puasa pun nasib baik lah ada air dalam kereta makcik tu. Baik lah juga dia ni, tapi the Pakistani guy sangat lah blur. Dia macam kerja nak menyalahkan aku ke. Siot betul. Lepas tu masa sampai balai polis, mak aku pun sampai and buat report police and bayar saman semua. Bersalah sangat dengan mak aku sebab masa dia pakai kereta tu takde masalah pun, dia mcam redha je masa tu. Aku pun tak tahu nak cakap apa. Alhamdulillah, Uncle Nazrul was there too. Aku diam je masa tu.

Tuhan saja yang tahu betapa regret nya aku keluar haritu, sebab it had been a week aku tak keluar langsung pastu tetiba aku keluar, so rasa macam ada something wrong. Tapi nak buat macam mana, maybe Allah nak menyedarkan aku tentang beberapa benda. Wallahualam. Lepas settle semua tu, kitorang gerak SJMC sebab nak jumpa ayah dia yang injured tu, mak aku setuju nak bayar medical bill untuk haritu. Bukan sikit kot, RM650. Haih sedih sangat sebab menyusahkan mak ayah aku. Dengan saman RM300 lagi. Tapi mak aku buat rilex je. Kitorang pun balik, sampai je rumah, terus tidur, kesian mak aku, dengan penat kerja, sampai pun pukul 1 pagi, esoknya dah kena kerja pukul 6 pagi dah keluar. Aku bersalah gila.

Apa yang membuat aku rasa bersalah ialah, insurans mak aku kena bayar semua kerosakan tiga tiga kereta, which is ditakuti tidak cukup, means mak aku kena topup. Berapa sangat lah insurans kereta aku tu kan :( Sedih sangat, tak boleh maafkan diri aku for being so reckless. Sampai sekarang tak tahu nak cakap macam mana dengan mak aku. Semalam dia cakap, Pakistani tu call dia, suruh mak aku bayar rawatan susulan. Kepala otak dia. Memang tak lah kan. Haih, this thing has been bothering me so much at last aku tulis jugak. Sampai sekarang, aku tak keluar rumah and rasa macam nak menyendiri ke. Minggu depan raya, nak raya pun tak senang hati macam ni, harap harap semua okay. Hmm...

Sebenarnya ada lagi dua benda nak cakap tapi serious tak larat nak type. Haha. So guys, this is all that I could write for today, nanti ada masa aku upload gambar gambar.
Bye.

Of love and sacrifice.

It hurts to let go, but I guess the best things come when good things go. 

College and American Bound

There comes a time when all you want to do is just lay down on your bed all day long and watch your favorite TV shows while eating popcorn or stg like that.
There comes a time too, when all you want to do is to go meet your good friends and let out all of the feelings you have inside.
There comes a time too, when all you want to do is to stay in your room,, cry buckets and start thinking that nobody knows what you're feeling.
There comes a time when all you want to do is to just runaway and start a new life, with new friends and new environment.


Well, quite an introductory speech, isn't it? It's been ages and now I'm out from college and it seems now is the best time to blog.
Well, my life hasn't been neither better nor worse, just a very mediocre kinda feeling, when everything runs, not very smoothly but pretty acceptable.
There are alot of things I wish I could do ( in my to do list ) through out my 3 long months of holidays which are :

1. Get healthy
2. Blog everyday
3. Learn cooking
4. Spend my time with precious people
5. To be continued...

Honestly, I am not a good writer at all but I'm just gonna try doing it everyday to make it as a hobby.
Seriously I do really need a hobby ( stg that I can do constantly ) which, I find so hard to do.

At this very moment, I'm totally stressed out becausee so many things are going around at one time and I have no idea how am I supposed to handle this kind of situation. I swear it's not exactly the situation that messes up with me, it's just some of the people that I have to deal with. Entering college has taught me alot, I really mean alot of things in terms of how to socialize and survive in the hellhole. LOL As for my opinion, college sucks. Seriously, I don't really like the friends there, well not everyone but most of them are kind of materialistic and very picky, and judgemental too. But I've found some of them very....interesting to know them. Which, I will elaborate more in my next post (hopefully) Okay enuf with that. It's 5 o'clock in the morning and I'm hitting the sack. Bye guys.

Unimportant

It's too sad to face the fact that you're feeling alone sometimes. Not sometimes actually, but most of it. It really hurts to know that you have nobody's shoulder to cry on. It hurts even more knowing that those people you thought cared about you the most, don't give any shit about you. It hurts worst, when somebody who means the world to you, leave you so easily, neglected you like you're just another person in a crowd. I may sound so, pathetic. But dear blog, these things seem to bother me most of the time, and I have nobody to tell. I've cared and loved so many people but at the end of the day, I'm the one who are being treated like I'm a nobody to them. Who am I, really? Am I that unimportant? I'm just sick with everybody, everything.

Here's to someone so special to me, someone who never gives up on giving me strength, someone whom so important to me, someone so cute, pretty, humble and naughty at times. Thanks for always being here for me. Thanks for always being patient with my ignorance, my annoyance eventhough I'm just a nobody compared to you. Thanks for everything you've done to me. Such a great, amazing friend Allah has granted me. It's your birthday and I can't do much but my prayers will always be with you. May you be blessed with everything you do and achieve your dreams.

Sometimes.

Sentap bila aku baca blog orang lain. Ada yang menyentuh jiwa, menakutkan, yang judgemetal pun ada. Aku tak pandai menulis, mengarang dan apa apa yang berkaitan dengan bahasa. It causes me jealousy to see how people could write such meaningful stories about their experieces, how they relate everything in life to themselves. I bet their life are so fun, unlike mine.

I once came across this blog, (am not telling you guys tho) Sayu rasa bila tengok dia bersungguh nak berubah to be better. Semua benda yang kecil yang salah dia ambil kisah, tak macam aku. Tak pernah terfikir pun those little things could be such sins other people care so much. Now that I realized I've taken so many things for granted.

Dalam hidup ni, aku try to make people happy, it makes me happy to see people smile because of me.
Tapi tekadang dalam diri ni rasa letih nak entertain sebab tak dapat anything in return.
Aku pun tak tahu apa aku expect from orang tapi aku selalu hesitate tentang keikhlasan kawan kawan aku nak berkawan. Am I just a sidekick to them? Someone they throw away after sometime. Sebab memang aku rasa macam tu.

That Feeling

Sedih kan bila kita kisah pasal orang tu tapi orang tu macam nak tak nak je kisah pasal kita? Bukannya aku tak ikhlas berkawan tapi apa fungsi kawan kan? Hari makin hari rasa macam aku ni tunggul je, orang yang aku care tu lah yang sakitkan hati aku banyak. Maybe I'm just expecting too much from them, but all I want is just some attention. I mean, come one, kalau aku tak cakap kau takkan tanya. Desperatenya lah aku, but I think there is a rationale in my opinion. Lagi satu, aku ingat ke aku sorang je yang kuat terasa, tapi ramai lagi yang kuat terasa, sampai merajuk bagai. Tapi I don't think this kind of thing should be done obviously, kecik hati okay la kan, ni sampai nak touching touching bagai. Hm, lately rasa macam aku ni laughing stock orang lain, tapi takpe, I like seeing people smiling because of me, walaupun kadang kadang rasa macam kena hina. Dulu aku ingat aku boleh hidup tanpa kawan, I tried avoiding my friends and did my own stuffs, tapi it didn't last long. Takpe lah, nak buat macam mana, dah semua orang suka gelakkan aku. Kadang kadang aku terfikir, mesti diorang malu berkawan dengan aku kan. Ye lah aku ni siapa je pun. Kadang kadang aku rasa kesian kawan aku macam tanggung malu bawak aku kehulu kehilir. Hmm, untungkan jadi normal? Bukannya macam aku, weirdo. Cukup lah tu. From now on, hari hari aku akan update.

Honestly, I'm just not like what you guys think I am.
Tahu perasaan letih menipu diri sendiri tak?
Ramai kawan tapi.... rahsia diri yang kau memang nak bagitahu orang lain tapi tak, terkeluar. Maafkan aku kalau aku memang kadang kadang mood swing.
I try so hard to please everyone, just because I don't want you guys to see the stupid and dark side of me (pathetic, I know).
I'm so sorry I change so easily, I'm sorry that I'm annoying, I'm sorry that I'm being too clingy, I'm sorry that I'm less like a guy. I'm sorry for everything I've done, I'm just not what you think you know.
I'm never independent and I'm still trying to improve myself, but I don't see the results just yet.
I'm sorry I'm not cool like you guys, having cool friends that you are proud having, I never have things like that, things like normal teenangers always have. I'm sorry for you guys having to bare with my lame, annoying jokes. I try hard. I really do.
FRIENDS.

Greetings, I'm back again.
It's been years since I last been active in this kind of thing actually
Pejam celik pejam celik dah nak almost setahun lebih aku dekat INTI ni. But not so much things that I really appreaciate since I came here.
Honestly, I never really like this place. I hate being surrounded by geniuses. Maybe sebab aku dah biasa dengan comfort zone aku so bila aku keluar sekolah je, I always have this feeling that I am being-underestimated by others. Insecurities, which is basically influenced by my not-so-good results that I have got in 2012.
Well, basically, to tell you guys, 2012 is by far, my worst year ever in my life's timeline, I swear to God, it was a kind of a transitional year for me, to find the real me, how can I stand up for myself without being helped by others, how to actually find true friends.
March, April, May, June, July, August and I'll be flying to the States soon. Crazy right? It may sound so great to some of the people, but with great fortune comes great pressure and many more. Only God knows how hard am I trying to deal with myself, with so many problems, which I created myself.
I've changed alot these days. I don't know how to describe the changes but it is surely not a good transition for me though. Silly things that made me turn into a stupid human being.
So many things I want to write, so little time to write.
Till then, bye.

Good Things Never Last.

Going down memory lane, so many good things happened over the years. Them, in the pictures above. Never have I thought I would miss them this much, never have I thought too, that these people, well, not everybody, literally left something I couldnt bear missing, and losing. Once, I promised myself not to even visit my old school but then, it turns out to be different. Good old, glory days are gone.

Thoughts Channeling

Wishing all those good moments could freeze, im just too tired. Waking up everyday, aimlessly, following what other people are doing, life is just plain pathetic nowadays. 18 and im still figuring my future out. Visionless. Missionless, unlike everybody else. Well that's me. Greetings. Things change over time. Dont they? Let me pour my thoughts out, today. It has been almost one year in INTI, macam macam orag aku jumpa, friends, friends of my friends, strangers and even ex friends. If you know what i mean. Macam macam kerenah aku tengok. Bukan nak mengumpat, it's just that, im a person who likes to perceive people around me, well i dont really tell the others about what i think though. Em, it's about, how people struggle in Unis, which is practically different with stuggling in high schools, in my opinion. Well, i know itss cliche, but...emmm, it's a true story, which i had never believed before, whereby Unis could be this hard. For some people, they have ultimate enjoyment when they are in Unis, but for me, who I refer myself as 'pelik', agak susah nak blend in dengan suasana. Maybe im just not too flexible to do every single thing that my friends do, and like. Haih, its hard for me to elaborate, and some people sometimes find me bothering to them, somehow. I hate judgemental people, or am i just too kind to everybody. What R says is indeed true, I have to learn how to say NO, and priotize myself. Em, I shall stop here.

Rebound

I have always wanted to channel my thoughts and feelings through blogging, but yeah, maybe i'm just not that kind of person who really likes writing. i think im more to talking. obviously. but tonight, i read someone's blog, that suddenly made me feel like writing, something that i really want to share. eventho i bet nobody would even care of my existence, i bet.

until now, i have yet to figure what i really want in my life. frankly saying. entah la. being in INTI, i did anticipate things like this to happen. as in like to adapt with the new friends, environment. hard, i must say. my attitude changed almost 360 degrees. most of the people here may not seem to understand my situation. maybe because they dont know the old me, i presume. sometimes, i feel like going out from INTI. honestly, studying abroad has never been my aim. i dont really think i will even be a good engineer neither businessman. i have always wanted to write so much, but my lack of writing skills really limit my words here. and i know why. i have even yet to find my own personal strength, flare. yeah, flare. people may say that the way i talk, walk and whatnot is rather convincing, but i swear to God, i never have confidence in myself, in every aspect of life. study, appearance, attitude and whatsoever.

the first day i came to inti, my heart stumbled like shit. it was like, i was still hesitating my decision on pursuing my studies here. but that was not the thing that i worried the most. i worried about, how would people see me. as in like their perception towards me. entah la. as much as love to talk and make people laugh, i have always had this one part of me feeling lonely and isolated. and indeed, i like that way. sitting alone somewhere sometime alone. i would feel at ease like that.
i shall continue later.

Life.

I have been thinking a lot these days.
About something.
About life.
I don't know.
Sometimes I wonder, how does normal people live?
I mean, am I having a normal life, just like the other teenagers?
This question keeps playing in my head again and again.
Some may think that I have a really good and very lavish life.
They did say to me like that.
Deep in my heart, for me I don't have any life.
I don't have much friends. I don't go out everyday. And I go out with family, most of the time.

I have so many things to say to explain this thing but I don't know where to start.
Maybe I am just scared.
Scared of revealing all my dark secrets kept sacred in my deep heart.
Insecurities. Yeah.
Only some of my really good friends know my real life. But, do they really think that I am their bestfriend? Or is it just me that think that they are. And that's why I prefer to live alone.
I always pray to God to grant me good friends.
I think I have the most complicated life ever.

I did hear stories about me.
About how I neglect people after sometimes being close to them.
I did it on purpose.
You may say that I am useless but still. I don't want to create any special bonds with 'em.
It will hurt more.
That's why.

Youknowhat,
I had so many things inside my head just now and so many things I would like to write.
But I am so blank right now actually.
That's all for now.

Dear blog, I promise I won't leave you anymore. I'll visit you everyday kay ? :)